You know what our country needs? A Shopping Cart Fairy.

Yeah, picture a middle-aged big-bellied balding man in a pink tutu and undersized wings who stockpiles all the shopping carts that lazy people leave in parking lots. You may be asking yourself, what does the Shopping Cart Fairy do with said carts? Well, he takes them and then rams into the side panels of the vehicles of those said lazy people.

The reason we need the Shopping Cart Fairy is simple.

Apparently, pushing the cart you used to buy stuff the whopping 12 feet into the return area is such an arduous task that it inspires comparisons to Odysseus’ daunting journey in Homer’s “The Odyssey.”

At best, the abandonment of the cart will simply clog up the small piece of real estate which then can’t be used for its intended purpose — parking. At worst, the cart is going to roll and scratch or dent up someone else’s car. 

All that could be prevented by not being lazy. 

Oh, I have heard all the excuses before that include, but are not restricted to, the following: “I have to put my small army of children in the car” or “I have to run another errand before the business closes” or “it was raining” or my personal favorite “that is someone’s else job.”

Nothing makes me want to collect about a dozen shopping carts and run the entire line of them into the back of that person’s vehicle than that last excuse.

Yes. You are correct. Any supermarket or retail store will usually send a worker or two to collect shopping carts or buggies throughout a shift. But, I am not aware of any store that has someone on payroll in which wrangling buggies is their sole job.

Nearly two decades ago, when I worked at a soon-to-be closed toy store retail chain, I did several jobs — build bikes and playhouses, unload and load the trucks, collect trash, sweep and mop the store at night, and of course, collect buggies.

Now, the store was inside a mall so there was not a cart return outside the store. Many times, there would be a few unused mall parking areas where carts seemingly were naturally drawn to like sirens in Homer’s famed work. But most of the time I would spend more than an hour every night returning them to the store.

Did I ask for anything special for this work? No. It is was my job, but you know what? When I go shopping I always make sure to return to the cart. Not because I want to do the workers a “solid,” especially when the type of service that is deemed acceptable these days is just plain awful. 

Asking a retail worker a simple question these days usually results in either being ignored outright or a short attitude-filled response of disgust. Not to mention, why do you have 87 checkouts but only two people working? And, why do you shut down the self-checkouts at night? Come on!

But I digress, that doesn’t matter. If you used the cart then put it in the cart return, and if a store doesn’t have one, then put the cart with the few spots that are usually used as a makeshift return area. 

It is a simple courtesy people, and unless you are disabled and bedridden, then there is no good reason for you not to return the dang cart. But I am sure my words will fall on deaf ears, which means we need the Shopping Cart Fairy more than ever. 

I think I may know someone who is just right for the job.

Raymond Partsch III is the managing editor of The Daily Iberian.