Roseanne Barr’s late night Ambien tweet got me to thinking.

At the home of any late night Ambien…ist, one can find, I’ve been told, empty containers of Moo-llennium Crunch Ice Cream lying sideways on the floor next to the bed due to the weight of the spoon, and visions of Cheetos orange dust floating through the air. And then, lo and behold, and oh my, and it’s not true, a text floats recklessly through space and says to an old beau from thirty years ago, “We should talk.” Yikes!

But let me raise the “Barr” a bit and tell you about a girl, who happens to be me, who once took an Ambien.

When I knew there was no hope for my Daddy, I sobbed myself to sleep every night until Dr. Husband said, “Let me give you an Ambien. It’ll help you relax and fall asleep.” At the same time my Daddy was dying, Jose’s father was following suit, and he frantically took off one evening to see about him. “Take this and go straight to bed,” he said, but instead, I took the Ambien, didn’t go straight to bed, then decided it’d be a good idea to decorate my house for Easter, so I did. I decorated my house for Easter.

I climbed the attic steps in some Dearfoam slippers and lugged boxes down containing tacky Easter decor from Pier 1 Imports when it was next door to the Plaza Theater in Lafayette. From a tall step ladder I climbed onto my kitchen counter then climbed onto a smaller one I’d set up on the counter itself and placed two papier mache’ rabbits atop my extremely high cabinets. They were nonchalantly turned toward my kitchen sink as if they were watching over me. I then unearthed heart-shaped papier mache’ boxes that had rabbits and picket fences and duckling decals painted on them. I propped them up ever so gingerly and on the diagonal in a variety of vases, an interior designer style tilt, I thought. On the mantle were tiny rabbits playing musical instruments as though they were in an orchestra, and cheap plastic eggs from Albertson’s on Johnston Street were lined up down the middle of my dining room table. I measured with a Teche Lumber Yard yard stick like they do at Buckingham Palace. And off to the side, as though it was an afterthought, a recipe for a bunny cake my friend Annette Berard Valls sent me casually waited for me to make it. After I changed all the light bulbs outside to pale pink, I stood back and admired my late night work and creativity. I then went to bed, I guess. Who knows?

When I woke up the next morning and opened the french doors to the den Mr. McGregor’s Garden was staring me in the face amidst a plethora of pink with a hint of lavender. It looked like someone had thrown up some Pepto Bismol Chewable Tablets mixed in with a few artificially-flavored grape Sweet Tarts.

When I told my friend Mary Beth what happened over a couple of margaritas at La Fonda, she admitted to taking Ambien one night, called her Mama, and fell asleep on the phone. She then tossed out a bit of sage advice, “Fee-Fee, we should complete our tasks before taking Ambien.” That was our first, and our last!

But in my defense, it was Lent!

 

PHYLLIS BELANGER MATA was born at the old Dauterive Hospital and grew up on Wayne Street. She is a 1974 graduate of Mt. Carmel Academy and is a chili dog “without the wiener” aficionado.