We all know about telemarketers, those annoying callers no one wants to talk to. They want to convince you to give them something. It might be a donation to your alma mater. These are usually harmless. Or they want to help you older folks with your knee or back pain by sending you a brace “at no cost to you.” But I am guessing the bill will go to Medicare after you give them your Social Security number! Scam alert!

Calls like these are aggravating if you must stop whatever you’re doing to answer the phone. I have developed strategies to deal with these robo callers, and sometimes I even enjoy rattling their cages with my techniques.

But, last night at 4:44 a.m. to be exact, the phone rang, and it frightened me.  Before picking up the receiver, I ran down a mental list of what horrific news might be awaiting us. I steeled myself for what I was about to hear. Just then I noticed familiar identifying info on the Caller ID screen.

It showed “Chase Card Sucs…” (sic) and an 800 number which I had seen before, because they have called here numerous times lately. Sometimes I pick up the receiver but don’t speak; I give ‘em the old silent treatment. That’s what I did this time. After about 30 seconds, the line was disconnected.

I was so upset, it took about 20 minutes for me to get back to sleep.

This morning the telemarketers were at it bright and early. The Caller ID screen lit up with the name of “Iberia Parish O…” (sic) “What’s that about?” I wondered, thinking it might be a local school or the library, so I spoke to the caller. He wanted to lower the balance on my “debt” due to a “mistake.”  He was disappointed when I told him we pay off our credit cards monthly and don’t have a mortgage.  Since the phone number was right there on Caller ID, I tried calling it back just to see what I’d find out. The recorded message I connected with said it’s “not a working number.” Apparently, telemarketers use these inactive numbers so we can’t trace the callers’ origins.

Because our home phone is sometimes used by my husband’s clients, we don’t have the luxury of ignoring an unknown number from an unfamiliar location.  When the ID clearly shows a strange area code and location, such as West Jordan, Utah, or Bay Point, New York, we pick up and answer politely.  

Once I realize it’s a robocall, a recorded voice that wants me to “press 1 to speak to a live agent”, that’s when the fun begins. I might act like I have a bad connection. “Hello.  I can’t hear you! What?”

Or if I’m feeling playful, I try to dredge up some French phrases I remember from high school. I might say pleasantly, Comment allez-vous? Ouvre la porte. (Translation: “How are you?  Open the door,” but they don’t know that, so they quickly hang up!)

The lesson here is if you can’t beat them, at least have fun wearing them out.

Wait! The phone is ringing. It’s Rachel from Card Services. She said she wants to lower the interest rate on my credit cards!

Julaine Deare Schexnayder is retired after a varied career in teaching and public relations. Her email address is julaines14@gmail.com.