Do you enjoy games of chance?

I am not talking about the individuals who are die-hard gambling junkies who cash their payroll checks to go blow it all betting on the ponies or playing craps at the truck stop casino, with the aftermath likely resulting in them not being able to pay their rent or the electrical bill which puts a strain on their personal relationships with loved ones.

No, nothing that dire mind you. There are no hooded figures with baseball bats coming to break legs in this question.

I am just talking about your average everyday person who enjoys some mild gambling from time to time. The person who plays poker on a regular basis with friends for some change and small bills, or goes to play bingo on Friday nights, or goes to the casino to put in $20 bucks into the slot machine to see what happens, or buys a lottery ticket when the jackpot is enormous enough to inspire daydreams.

So if you do enjoy that kind of gambling then make sure whatever you do — do not invite me to take part, or better yet, even be in the vicinity of you when you gamble.

I am not a gambler. I have no moral objection to gambling, mind you, I just don’t see the appeal of it is all. For me, the odds are far too great that you will in fact lose and after losing a few times — I grow bored with the whole process and move on. It just doesn’t hold my attention.

Now, I have tried nearly every kind of gambling there is known to man, and in every single one I have come up empty handed.

My mom used to be one heck of bingo player when I was a kid. I remember her routinely coming home with some nice winnings. Yet, every time I tagged along with her to the bingo parlor my mom came home empty handed. Coincidence? I think not.

I have sat down many a time at a table with people who are really good card players, and have watched them be handed some of the worst hands possible — and need to ask for gas money at the end of the night. I take home no money myself but I always make sure to gas up the ride before hand.

My parents enjoy going to the casino and have won several jackpots over the years on slot machines, their preferred game of chance. I tag along and they win nothing. Zilch. I also get so bored with the hum of the machines and noise of the crowd that I get sleepy. True story.

Then there is fantasy football, which I still play every year but not to hoist the trophy or collect the winnings but to rather stay connected with my former co-workers and close friends. I have not won the title in one particular league in more than a decade. In the years since, I routinely finish toward the bottom.

The only venue I really hadn’t tried my broken mirror-black cat-spilling salt brand of luck was at the race track. 

I scratched that off this past week when my wife and I went to Evangeline Downs with my brother-in-law and her parents. 

My brother-in-law, who took home a nice chunk of change the last time he came to track, was giving me some pointers on how to play the ponies. We pored over the program together and decided to place our bets. So I strolled up to the counter with confidence and told the lady that I wanted to put one dollar to win on a horse that had morning odds of 10-1. 

It is not hard to imagine the unimpressed look that came across her face in that moment.

My brother-in-law placed a larger bet but did so on the same horse. So did we win big? Did the curse of the Rambino come to an end? Nope. That horse finished seventh out of eight.

After doing some additional research and not betting on the second race of the night, we opted again to place another a bet for the third race. This time I went big with my bet. 

That’s right. I did a $2 dollar win, place, show ticket. And just like before, my brother-in-law (the betting veteran) bet on the same horse for the one-mile race. The result was that horse came across the finish line in a distant sixth place.

Less than 15 minutes after that, we decided our trip to the track had ended and we all went to dinner.

So now my brother-in-law knows that if he ever wants to win at the track again then he should go without the man known in gambling circles as the walking, breathing tails up penny.

 

Raymond Partsch III is the managing editor of The Daily Iberian.