BAYOU WORDSMITH: How to get rid of phone solicitors

Published 1:15 am Sunday, April 17, 2022

Somehow, they must have gotten my cell phone info, because all the calls of solicitation used to come through to my home phone.

Like Pavlov’s dog, I would take off at a leap and a run to reach for the nearest phone at one of three charging stations through the house. Several times while rounding the last turn, my feet slipped out from under me resulting in a bad spill. It took me a while to teach myself that with Caller ID, I can return the call if I recognize the number. (Mama had a nickname for me. She called me “Hard Head” and “Fast Train.” I proved her right cause luckily nothing was broken when cranium hit the floor.)

As time passed and cell phones came to be more popular with nearly everyone, I’ve learned to give less urgency to the landline incoming calls. “Let it ring…I’ll let it go to Voice Mail.” But my feet are ready to lurch to wherever the nearest house phone is lying in wait. Believe me when I admit I am still trained to feel a strong urge to satisfy my curiosity as to who wants to talk to me, always worrying that it may be one of my family or friends or a legitimate call from my doctor, etc.

For a few years, I took comfort in believing that solicitors didn’t have my cell phone number. Any calls coming in on the trustworthy cell were Important and Personal. Then somehow over time, both phone “lines” (I know there aren’t any lines for cell phones…) started ringing and displaying unknown numbers, no Caller ID, or from an unfamiliar city! The culprits have gotten really slick nowadays; they use a local name and number ID, and so I’m only too happy to answer only to find it’s another solicitor!

I suppose I’d let my guard down and had given my cell phone number out to some site from which it was bought or just picked up. The technology is beyond my limited knowledge.

The cell ringer has an urgent-sounding jangle, setting my automatic response in motion. “Who’s calling me at this time?… On this phone? Must be Important!”

Leaping over chairs and other obstacles, I make a flying leap to answer its Siren’s call. I have been in training for this response since childhood. It’s impossible to ignore the urgent need to act!

And while most often it’s a familiar voice on the other end, too often nowadays, it’s a solicitor. Here is where I differ from so many others. I have a hidden personality trait—I put on my “actor performance”! There are several “scenes,” depending on my mood, I suppose.

If I’m feeling playful, I assume the “Grandma” character, sometimes in an exaggerated Cajun accent. “Chere? Is this Ava? I told your mama not to let you play on the phone…”

Because I’m trying out other characters, I can give a different performance. I sound frail and ill and appeal to the caller’s sympathy. With a long sorrowful sigh, I almost whisper, “Who is this? My arthritis is acting up today…” A moan or two is inserted here for dramatic effect. I hope the caller has an ounce of sympathy for an “old woman” and will take my number from their list thinking me poor and ill, and not a likely victim.

This last scene is one I read about on the Internet. Politely say, “Hold on for a moment while I ask my husband, ‘Are we still in bankruptcy?’” That seems to quickly end any further conversation about solicitation of a gift or donation.

I know I could just ignore calls from unknown numbers and locations, but I’m a prankster at heart with a sense of humor. I figure if I can waste their most precious asset – their time – I’m the winner of this round in this unending contest of wits.