I’m writing this on an early Thursday morning for the Sunday paper, three days before the Christmas Parade this Saturday, a measly three days to become acquainted with an unruly crown.

The crowning was a few weeks ago and I’ve been in a constant state of panic since then.

Why, you ask?

Because my crown didn’t fit when they placed it upon my lil head. Judge Conery’s crown was just right!

Mine swayed from side-to-side and from front-to-back and back-to-front, and it hurt. After the crowning and on our walk down the red carpet I just so happened to trip on, I lamely held it in my hand.

A few days later I was given another crown that wound up being too small with wide gaps on each side of my head and unable to hang on to my menopausal hair.

It was dropped off on my front porch and took me a few hours before I got up the courage to try it on because of predicting it was going to be too small. I wanted to cry, and I kinda did. I also said a prayer that I would come up with some sort of illness where I would be unable to wear a crown.

I took to the bed as though I was in a coma — a mad coma — and pictured myself holding the crown and waving with it like Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

As I recovered from my coma, I got myself a team of three: A good friend who called a friend of hers who’s a Pageant Mama, and a beautician who “played with it” that lasted longer than standing in line at Wal-Mart.

Do people still say, “beautician?” The Pageant Mama took it home with her and commenced to fill the circle with an abundance of clips and pipe cleaners and some sort of foam that prevents the screws from digging in. Thank goodness. I told Brother Bo by the time the parade ends at West Main down at Jefferson I’ll be a bloody mess.

I did learn something new though. The crown is what makes royalty women get in the car head first.

And please, God Save the Queen!

PHYLLIS BELANGER MATA was born at the old Dauterive Hospital and grew up on Wayne Street. She is a 1974 graduate of Mt. Carmel Academy and is a chili dog “without the wiener” aficionado.